The Promises of Adoption? They Were Wrong

Fighting the Illusions that Giving Birth Makes One a Mother

Formerly titled “Yeah, I’ll bother”

In the last big post  I had made regarding meeting Max, not LouLouBelle ( anonymous commentor #734) made this commentary:

I am convinced that many of you have taken your anger and bitterness and have dwelled on it for so long that you have created the illusion in your minds that YOU ARE STILL THE PARENTS OF THE CHILDREN YOU WILLINGLY GAVE UP!!! Adoptive parents do not raise “other” peoples children – we raise OUR children. Giving birth to a child does not make you a parent – you actually HAVE TO PARENT a child to be a parent.

Now, I really do not expect anyone new to suddenly have a light bulb moment and get this, but I have to run with it anyway.

Why the Idea That “Not Everyone Who Gives Birth is A Mother” Doesn’t Work

See, this is the problem. What NotLouLou said was basically the premise of adoption as we historically knew it and as the adoption professionals told us it would be like.

Suppose to be this better choice, suppose to make it all stop happening, no more feelings, a whole new set of parents, just like “if born to”, no conflicts, love is enough, no need (if you do your parenting well enough) for the kids to even want to know where they come from, egads, have a relationship with us mere birth things. Meanwhile, we birth-things are suppose to take our parent-less-clean-of-booger-noses-and-butt-wiping-hands and move on just fine.

Unless there really was something wrong with us and we just refuse to “get it” and then, really, look how messed up we are..hey, the kids are better off right?

Mothers Cannot Turn Off the Mothering Love

So, we are suppose to be not parents, the kids can only have ONE REAL TRUE set of parents, and because we so willingly signed off, then’s NOT’s the adoptive parents who we should be sooooo thankful to for they did, after all step up to the plate and do what we refused to do.

Yeah, I get that that is how it is SUPPOSE to be. That’s pretty much what they told me. That’s pretty much what the nuns and the social workers and the maternity home matrons and the physiologists  and the government officials and the NCFA says..

Guess what?

We are telling you that IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!!!

They were wrong. And what they told you, taught us, what the media would like us to think..all wrong. Yeah, it would be a lot easier if it DID work that way..but it doesn’t.

It has nothing to do with anger or bitterness or hallucinations or drugs that give us illusions. It has to do with trying for years to do exactly what they said would happen, do what was expected, and it doesn’t work. We cannot turn off a human heart like that. We cannot splinter the soul in pieces. Look, it would be not live with this longing, this need, this pain, this hurt.

Giving Birth Makes You A Mother

Giving birth to my made me a parent. It made me a mother. Whether I parented him or not, my life was changed. My body change, as it swelled with that life inside me, my breasts filled with milk to feed him, my brain altered. Now, I too believed that I could ignore all this, as they claimed, and forget it happened, move on and become a not mother. And I tried for years…it doesn’t work.

Just as surely as having to list his birth details when I birthed another, it did more than etch the first set of stretch marks on my body. It etched my soul. Now maybe it wasn’t suppose to, but it DID. Medically, I had given birth, emotionally and mentally, I was a mother…before I parented.

And just like the adoptees, who were suppose to be perfectly content with their more stable, more willing, better, ever loving adoptive parents…they also have found that they still, some, many, not all, but enough, have a need to know more about who gave birth to them, who they really are. They are not, as a group, all content either with just knowing their one set of “real, butt wiping  booger picking, boo boo kissing parents” even if they were the most loving, generous, good hearted butt wipers in the galaxy.

Still not enough sometimes..enough times, that we should be listening.

Adoption Means Two Sets of Parents

You can be a parent by giving birth or not giving birth, you can be a parent who actively parents, or one from far away across the years, you can love a child that you have never seen nor held, nor even know his name.

That might not be what adoption has taught us in the past, it might not be how it was envisioned, but that is how it IS.

The reality is..if you adopt a child…that child does indeed have TWO SETS OF PARENTS. If you relinquish a child, that child will still have TWO SETS of PARENTS. THAT is Adoption.

Really, I think it hardly matters of he was ripped from my arms kicking or screaming, or if I danced around the paperwork dying to sign my responsibilities away (of course the complex truth is somewhere in between for me, though closer to one end or the other for some others.. unforgettably closer to the ripped for many)…we all were told that it would work they way they said. And it sounded like a good plan. In fact, I know that many adoptive parents we told it would work the way they said. And yeah, I know it is hard to realize and come to grips that they had no idea what they were taking about and they were wrong. Big adjustment for us all.

The fact is..there are ENOUGH moms who relinquished who are saying…hey, it didn’t work like that. And enough adoptees say the same thing. Human nature is different than the plan and the beliefs. They were built on faulty principles  Not your fault, not mine..lets blame the adoption industry. They have known for some time, they have had the information at hand, and still they kept throwing this pipe dream at us all and selling us all down a river.

Now we have to adapt. We have to realize that what they said was wrong.

And I am sorry that it is a harsh reality for you. Kinda sucks for me too. My life would have been easier if they were right. But it is not a fault of mine that my heart is not ice. Nope, too many of us who have lived it. It’s the way it works. And the reality is that other people raised my child..and in that he became their child too…but I was not erased..didn’t fade off into the heavens, to my sainthood. And that boy/man/not a baby a thinking feeling person who NEEDS us all.

And for him, I will say..they were wrong. For your child, who I hope you do love and treasure, for your child’s sake, I hope that you can see that they were wrong.

It just doesn’t work the way they said it would. And no matter how much you kick and scream and fail your arms, you can’t change it.

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About the Author

Claudia Corrigan DArcy
Claudia Corrigan D’Arcy has been online and involved in the adoption community since early in 2001. Blogging since 2005, her website Musings of the Lame has become a much needed road map for many mothers who relinquished, adoptees who long to be heard, and adoptive parents who seek understanding. She is also an activist and avid supporter of Adoptee Rights and fights for nationwide birth certificate access for all adoptees with the Adoptee Rights Coalition. Besides here on Musings of the Lame, her writings on adoption issue have been published in The New York Times, BlogHer, Divine Caroline, Adoption Today Magazine, Adoption Constellation Magazine,, Lost Mothers, Grown in my Heart, Adoption Voice Magazine, and many others. She has been interviewed by Dan Rather, Montel Williams and appeared on Huffington Post regarding adoption as well as presented at various adoption conferences, other radio and print interviews over the years. She resides in New York’s Hudson Valley with her husband, Rye, children, and various pets.

81 Comments on "The Promises of Adoption? They Were Wrong"

  1. Agreed. Amazed (and sorry)that this particular topic of discussion lingers. Thanks for saying it again, though.

  2. Amyadoptee | March 17, 2007 at 8:49 pm |

    A freakin’ men!!!!!!!Thank you for saying that. It doesn’t make any party any less. Adoptees have TWO sets of parents. No ifs No ands or No buts.. Quit denying the humanness in all of us. Its there lets face it.


    Yes,utterly completely yes.

  4. Why is it that people don’t seem to have a problem with having/loving two sets of parents thru marriage but if it’s thru adoption then we are bad children – even when we are adults?

    Love the post Claud, keep up the great work!!

  5. AMEN
    (Possum is clapping wildly)

  6. What Suz said,


  7. Lauren from AAI | March 18, 2007 at 12:38 am |

    As was previously stated, “A-freaking-men!”. I seriously don’t know what people could be thinking, that if a child physically comes out of your body you aren’t a parent! LOL That’s as ridiculous as saying that as a mother of adoption loss you’ll eventually “get over it”! lol
    Anyway, glad all went well with Max! I love reading your posts.

  8. This is what you said that got me…

    “Not your fault, not mine..lets blame the industry. They have known for some time, they have had the information at hand, and still they kept throwing this pipe dream at us all and selling us all down a river.
    Now we have to adapt. We have to realize that what they said was wrong.”

  9. I am sure that LoulouLooney has a Websters dictionary.The word ‘parent’ has several meanings, the first of which is “one who begets or brings forth offspring'”. The word comes from a Latin word which means ‘to give birth to.”

    If “parent” does not include those who beget or give birth then what is the word for such creatures?For thousands of years they have been called parents, why stop now?

    Like most of us, I am sure that LOOLOOinthe LOO has taken biology.A parent passes on DNA, heritage, life.

    Without “parents” to conceive, carry, give birth, there would be no children.And pregnancy,labor,delivery, is serious….used to be a major cause of death for women.And it is still a cause for health complications. Humans do not give birth as easily as other living creatures do.

    This is upsetting to those who want to forget that “others were there first” but that is “just the facts”.

  10. My mom died when I was a child. She did not raise me. I actually had many people try to tell me she was not my parent. My dad allowed his second wife to adopt me. I had a mother, she was just dead.

    I don’t get why adoptive parents get so “it’s NOT YOUR BABY anymore!” about it. Most adoptees I know have no real problem seeing both their mom and dads as “parents” of different varieties and sorts.

    When my husband met his mom he was very careful not to call her mom. But he referred to her as “my mom.” Now, interestingly, he refers to *both* his moms by their first names when talking to them in person.

  11. Great post, elegantly written and true. Thanks, Claud. Although my surrendered son has minimal interest in me or other relatives, it is so clear that adoption erases nothing of heredity. We have the same writing style, although different subject matter, the same sense of humor, both love cats, and enjoy some of the same weird fiction.And if course look much alike.

    My son did not have a good adoption experience, he was really only “parented” by his Dad, now dead. Mom was such a disaster he has withdrawn from her totally.His bad image of “mother” is I think part of why he is wary of getting too close to me.

    And no, I never stopped being a mother either. Adoptees have 4 parents, good or ill. That is reality.

  12. “Why is it that people don’t seem to have a problem with having/loving two sets of parents thru marriage but if it’s thru adoption then we are bad children – even when we are adults?”

    Wraith I’m lobbying for you to write an entire post on that, because I love the way you write.

  13. really well written. for that reason alone — that there are so many it did not “work” for — is a compelling case for adoption reform.

  14. i parented my surrendered child for 4 days in the hospital….is there a time limit when we are called parents?
    So a woman who delivers a stillborn infant, is she not a parent? Is a woman who buries her child who died at 2 days old…is she not a parent?
    What a cold, shallow and heartless view someone has to deny any of these women the title of parent.
    I AM MY first born son’s mother. I took very good care of him during my pregnancy, HOW DARE YOU DENY ME THE TITLE OF MOTHER!!!
    I took care of him in the hospital and made a decision when he was 4 days old that changed his whole life. I regret that decision. However, only a PARENT could have made that decision.

  15. Absolutely, positively right! You just said it for us all…

    I can only say thank you!


  16. LouLouBelle Here –

    I do agree that an adoptee has 2 sets of parents. That is undeniable. They will forever have a “first” mother AND a “mom” (adoptive). There’s nothing wrong with that. But the respect of the name needs to be given to both and not just one. I get so tired of the real and un-real thing in the name of “mother”. I really don’t think that they’re denying you that title, but they deserve the same respect for raising their children as their “mom”.

  17. You are so right. Of course. Well said.

  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

  19. Louloubelle — you just don’t get it! “Mom” is another word for “mother” which (along with “Father”) is type of parent. Once you start telling a mother that she is a mother but not a mom, a mother but not a parent, you are again reducing her to being solely a gene-donor and incubator.

    Respect Claud as her son’s mother AND Mom. Just as her son’s adoptive mother deserves that respect.

    it seems like some people never learn how to treat natural mothers with respect. some people never get beyond their need to frame us as being walking uteri and incubators.

    amputation at the waist …

  20. But LouLouBelle,

    No one is denying adoptive parents use of the titles..whatever ones that happen to be debated at that moment…
    Because I dislike ALL the prefixes..I really ONLY try to use moms for mothers who have reliquished, and parents for adoptive parents. This way no one party gets the shaft. Yes, sometimes, I have to separate and idenify the two more for clarity. But even then, I don’t deny the rights of ANY.
    Its really easy..two moms, two though nature, the other though nuture..both often inportant and dear to the adoptee, both, at this point and time, necessary.

    You know..if I was divoirced, and used this blog to complain or say I didn;t understand an action that my ex took with the raising of my son…say even if HE had fuill custody, I doubt that ANYONE would come on here and say..”how dare you not respect is parenting decision!…what right do you don;t have to deal with said child every day..That’s that child’s FATHER”.
    I would think that, in fact I know, that I would be counselled to possibly get the whole story, of possible..that maybe he had his reason, and that perhaps I don’t know the whole story..all things that I have admitted too and prefaced this whle thing with to begin with.
    But I could still be confused and even agnry that I don;t like what I see.

    Now if it was a question of say a daughter and allegiations of abuse, I would be WRONG not to take what she said at face value and be very damn angry about it. Hweck, I would be crominal if I acceoted anything that allowed it to go on.

    I can and do fully respect max’s mom as a mom in his life. Heck, I’d do it just for him alone…becasue he needs that and deserves it. Because HE recognizes that relationship and it is real and valid for him. The thing is..I am just as real and valid to him too…and equally his mother.

    As it has been said..respect goes both ways…and maybe it is there…I am just not allowed to see it..and that alone..does not go hand and hand with respect.

    I don’t pretend that they do not exisit. I know they do. And now that things are they way they are…meaning I cannot go back in time and undo the whole thing…I understand that it woud be more detemrntail to him if I pretended that they were nothing to him. I never said that.. said that I don’t understand something that they decicded and from what I see, I don’t like it. Thats OK.
    I can not respect their decision so far that I see it right now and still respect them as parents. It is not mutually exclusive. It just mean that I don’t understand given the information or lack of provided to me so far, and I have a different opinion.
    Not taking any names away, not bashing, not ripping to shreds, not denying any parental triumps, just one thing I do not quite get.

    Thats how this all started. I dared to voice an opinion, and then I had to be told that I don’t deserve to even have one.

  21. LouLouBelle here –


    What you say is nothing but schematics. I was actually agreeing to the fact that Max does have 2 sets of families. All you are doing is arguing about titles. That is stupid and very ignorant.

    Let me pose a question to you. Who mothered Max for the last 19 years? Claud or his mom? See what I mean? The woman who raised him was and still is in every sense of the word his mom. And I’ll bet my last dollar that Max did not refer to her as “adoptive mom” when addressing her during those 19 years. If Max decided to call Claud by her name instead of “mom” would she have stomped her foot and demanded him to call her by her so called “earned” title? I think not. I think she would have understood or at least I would hope that she would. There is one thing that I do know and that is Max will always see Claud in a different sense then the mom who raised him. It’s just not the same. There’s history with one that he personally lived with for years and then there’s shared history of another who can only tell him stories of the past. GET IT!!!!

    Trust me when I say that I DO understand and get it in every sense of the word but refuse to let the little petty BS of titles drain my senses.

    You guys really need to stop living in the past and enjoy the future because there’s alot of good days to be had but if you keep miring in schematics of words and titles what purpose does it serve.

  22. I wonder if LouLouBelle has any tie to adoption, other than just lurking on this blog? When you give birth to someone, you are their MOTHER. Whether you raise them or someone else does, it doesn’t erase the fact that you gave birth to them. Nothing negates that one act. You give birth to a child…you are that child’s mother. Forever. For all time. They may be adopted and raised by another set of parents, but NOTHING changes the origin of how they came into the world.

    My daughter’s natural mom summed it up perfectly a couple months ago. My daughter and her natural sister were both flower girls in natural mom’s wedding. An old high school friend of the bride’s came in, looked at both flower girls, and asked, “Oh! Which one is yours?”. The natural mom said, “BOTH!”. Then she introduced me and said, “And she is THAT one’s mom”. LOL! We are BOTH mothers. My 5 year old isn’t confused by that fact…I can’t understand why adults can’t wrap their brain around it as well.

    Jennifer (Jen Co)

  23. LouLouBelle here again –

    Jen Co –

    That is where you are wrong. I am a reunited adoptee who does not call my firstmom “mom”. She is referred to by her name. The woman who raised me will always be my “mom”. I called my firstmom and asked her if it bothered her that I didn’t refer to her as “mom”. Her exact words were… “Not at all. You have a terrific mom. I’m blessed to be a part of your life now.” Now if I’m not mistaken, isn’t that what counts in adoption for adoptees and firstmoms?

    I also birthed 3 babies of my own and have 2 adoptive daughters as well. They ALL refer to me as “mom” not “adoptive mom”. I am all they know. They hear stories of their firstmoms because I feel that it’s important. But unfortunately the firstmoms have decided not to be a part of their lives. Their decision not mine.

    My daughters will always have 2 families. They may or may not be in their lives later on down the line. That is yet to be seen.

    Now if my daughters do have a relationship with their firstmoms later and call them “mom” I would not have a problem because it was THEIR choice. But for me? My relationship with my firstmom is great and not mired down with titles. The fact that we have this time together and in the future means much more than stupid schematics.

  24. anon, I mean Lou Lou belle, you are and adoptee and a adoptive mother, hah,, yeah are making me laugh here,, outright laughing ,, thanks I needed a good one tonight just got done with a sad movie,,

    You are full of it is what you are!!!

    I am afraid you would not even know your own damn name if someone asked you it,,

  25. LouLouBelle here –

    Why is this difficult for you Ani. I’m not lying about this. Why would I? There’s lots of people who were adopted and have adopted. It’s just a part of my life.

    I give up.

  26. Magissa said.

    You know lou.
    What I notice is.
    There is a saying I guess in bible.
    That there is time for everything.
    There are posts for discussions.
    To discuss everything. But some posts are just about sharing happiness.
    Why cant you just share Claud’s happiness. There was nothing in her post other than the love and joy of a mother who meets her son.

    Why is it that every time a bmom shares her happiness someone just jumps in to hurt ?

  27. This comment has been removed by the author.

  28. LOL – Claud!!
    Nature-mum and Nurture-mum.
    I kinda like that.

    It really makes me sad that you obviously have such very strong opinions on this – that your adoptive children will be unable to have their own opinions on this matter. As you yourself have said – not everyones ideas of adoption are the same. If your adoptive children try to voice anything other than what you believe – they’ll be shot down in flames. (and will hence forth only ever say what you want to hear.)
    They need to be able to find their own ‘truth’ – and whether or not you explicitly teach them your beliefs – they will feel them – and they will know them.

  29. Biodads wife here again. Loo loo bell you have unresolved issues around your adoption situation. One day your penny will drop and you will find yourself facing emotional realities… maybe.

    Claud, what you say in your post is so true of donor conception too.

    People are supposed to ‘donate’ their gamets, walk away and forget it.

    Should they meet their offspring there aren’t supposed to be any emotions involved.

    Donor conceived people are supposed to be grateful for their lives and happy they were loved and wanted.

    They are not supposed to yearn to know their real parents. They are supposed to regard these people (their parents) as their ‘donors’.

    When they meet their ‘donors’ they are supposed to shake their hand, thank them for their lives, take a look at the photos and then move forward and away.


    Like adoption its a stupid plan and it doesn’t work because humans have EMOTIONS.

    I’m sorry there is a brain dead loo loo around placing dark clouds around your joy.

    You always were and always will be Max’s mother.


  30. OMG! Not one person is even reading LOULOU’s words clearly! You are bashing her posts because her views are different than yours – try reading them – and opening your eyes a little. I do not think she is raining on your parade here – she is saying she agrees that adoptees have two sets of parents – she just is commenting that her own experience is different from yours – you ALL should take note that kids who are adopted grow up – and they SOMETIMES actually LOVE their a parents! Often – they do not feel a strong connection to the woman who gave them birth – and, hold on to your hats – SOMETIMES they have NO DESIRE to find their birth mother as they have full, complete loves with their parents. OH THE SHOCK!!! I also am an adoptee – I also have adopted children – I have no desire to know a thing about my birth mother – not because I am angry – but because I have a Mother and feel no need to change the past. BUT – should my children decide they want to k now – I would support them 100%.
    Some of you just grab onto words and twist them – revealing in your posts your anger and bitterness. No one said a woman who gives birh to a stillborn child is not a mother ~ noone said a woman who loses a child to death is not a mother – those are situations that were beyond your control. Signing adoption papers and relinquishing your child was a choice – quite different from the other scenarios – your comparison is full of drama and has nothing to do with what anyone said.

    LOULOU – I respect your perspective and think you have a lot to teach and share with this group.

  31. Anonymous, I think *you* are missing the point. IMO Lou Lou came here to rain on Claud’s reunion with her son, Max, and to make her opinion known that Claud isn’t Max’s “real mother”, (((Cringe))). Everything I have read from Lou Lou has led me to believe that she wants Claud to know that it is Max’s other parents who are “real”. No one is denying that Max’s adoptive parents raised him, love him, are very “real”, etc. But that doesn’t negate Claud’s existence or make her any less the woman who gave birth to him, in other words: his MOTHER.

    We should be celebrating Claude’s reunion with her son…not arguing about how many parents he has or who is more important than whom.

    Jennifer (another adoptive Mom)

  32. Umm…just an FYI…we all do relaize that LouLOuBelle, who is commenting here…is not the :NotLouLou: who made the first coment that inspired the post..right?

    I understand what you are saying LouLouBelle..and I have to say I do agree. Of course, to Max..his mother for all these years was his mother..the woman he called mom. I have no issue with that..nor can I dare to really..that was the deal.

    And if Max chosee for me to be Claud, and all..noo, i would not kick and stomp. I consider myself to be comepletely lucky and blessed that he has always just called me mom from the get go..but that is what he does, not because I demanded it..
    There is that fine line between what an adoptee has the right to far as making choice now..and being comfortable in what the reality of their expeience has been to them..who they call what..after all they were the ones who had no choice..and then just being hurtful to their original mothers. I think, us moms, have a right to draw a line when it gets mean and degrading, and to be honest about how we feel, but not so much as to be able to demand anything..even if we had no choices regarding the reliquishment. It does become more about the adoptee.

    AH, Anon of the last posting (I shall call you Wilma)…with this
    “No one said a woman who gives birh to a stillborn child is not a mother ~ noone said a woman who loses a child to death is not a mother – those are situations that were beyond your control. Signing adoption papers and relinquishing your child was a choice – quite different from the other scenarios – your comparison is full of drama and has nothing to do with what anyone said.”
    You have missed a very HUGE portion of the reliquishment experince..and for that I can only refer you to keep reading back in this blog and others. It is seen as a choice, it can be made to seen as a choice, and in some cases it might even be an informed well made chice, but for many of us..noooo not really a choice..just the only thing we felt we could do. You cannot make a real choice when their are no other options. Sometimes it is just as much beyond ones control as a still birth or death. Look, even if a woman chooses to murder her kids she is still called their mother. Andrea Yeats murdered her children…she was/is a mother who killed. Still a mother.

    And the point of this whole post was to say..yeah, they said we could sign off and not be mothers anymore..that the heart would follow the mindset of the paperwork..and they were wrong. SO even if one CHOOSE to not be a mother…it doesn’t work like that. Is just doens’t work.

    Fact is one still gets more information abut the risks of plastic surgery, the purple pills that give you a hard on, or gtting your teeth pulled, then relquishing your child. Its not a choice, if you are not aware of the implications, risks to you and your child, and the known long term possible results.
    So what we have is an industry that’s this great choice that works this way, while dening the scientific studies that say it doesn;t work this way..and then a whole bunch of people saying yeah, it didn’t work..and OMG they knew it might not..
    In any other industry in american civilzation, we would have law suits and recalls..people would be horrified that they knew they were selling us misinformation..there would be an uproar. But it is so beautifully packaged that no one wants to see it.

  33. Well said, Jen.
    OF COURSE Max has four parents. And Claud IS his mother, no matter how desparately some might want to wish that away.
    Their reunion’s an occasion for celebration, and to hell with the nay-sayers.
    I’m celebrating with and for them.

  34. loulou and 9:04 anon,
    my comment was full of drama about wondering if there is a time limit to be called a parent?!?! I miss your points and you could can me something?!?!?!?
    You did NOT read what I said, at all. Drama? Yes, it is quite dramatic to lose your child, I do not care the circumstance, it is dramatic. I asked what the time limit was to be called a parent. I parented for 4 days. So if a mother loses her child to death after 2 days, I feel I can me called a mother after 4 days, and add on 9 months of pregnancy. Neither you or loulou have a damn thing to teach me. I think you are in denial, or have been brainwashed by your adoptive parents to feel they are enough. Your children carry on a legacy that also includes genetics. The very foundation of your being. Claud’s site celebrates that, no amount of your “oh happy adoptee” spouting will change that. Perhaps someday your children will be curious and want to know the woman who gave birth to you. Will you allow that?
    I wish I knew who your mother was that lost you to adoption. I want to know her. I think you would be surprised what a connection you two have, even though you deny it. It’s there, in your blood and in the very center of your bones. I don’t care how dramatic that sounds. It is the truth. It is the core of who you are.

  35. A post referred to adotion as “a stupid plan” – what would all of you have rather happened to the children you gave birth to ~ would you rather they rot in an orphanage – go from home to home on the foster system?? It was a choice- no matter how yu slice it- you may feel like you were pressured – but bottom line is it was a choice and you made it. That being said – why do all of you feel that adoption was a BAD choice? Do you think it was bad for your children? or for you? is it bad because the manner of which you gave your child to adoption was unethical? or do you feel adoption across the board is wrong? When adopting famiies eneter the picture in the process – the child is alone already – they have been relinquished already. the parents adopting have no bearing on the decision of the birth mother – so why s here so many negative comments to a mothers? trying to understand –

  36. oops, getting tired…above comment should read….
    I miss your points and you could teach ME something????
    and another typo should read….
    I feel I can BE called a mother.

  37. No, you are wrong – my biological mother is not the CORE of who I am. I respect her – thank her for choosing life – and thank her for making the choices that she did. My Mother and Father are the core of who I am. They are the ones who raised me and loved me unconditionally for my life. I am not angry – not at all – I have met the woman who gave birth to me -and she is lovely and kind and unselfish and compassionate and understanding…she is wonderful. BUT, I did not feel an instant connection with her and do not years later – … it was nice to meet her – but it did not change my life in monumental ways. I beleive that you can be born to your parents in different ways – I was born to them thru adoption. I am not being negative or disrespectful towrads the woman who gave birth to me , I am think she is great, I just felt no connection is all I am saying.
    And, NO, my a parents did not bribe me, blackmailme, pressure me into feeling this way – they were supportive completely.

  38. mysonsfirstmother | March 19, 2007 at 3:20 pm |

    claud, i will be honest here, i do not know how much more of this i can take. and this is not even my blog. i posted a comment and then was trying to add a comment making corrections to it and then up pops a comment inbetween that makes me want to literally give up, throw in the towel. honestly. i can not take it, deal with it…it is so hurtful and depressing.
    first of all to the woman who posted that inbetween my 2 comments.
    speaking for me, if my son would have possibly gone to an orphanage, i would have taken him home. period!!!! it was not an informed choice, PERIOD. i asked them, How will I feel about this in 2 or 3 years. and they paraded some overly happy, almost dancing chic in who had a picture of her daughter who was adopted by someone famous, and i thought, well, ok, i guess that’s how you feel. all giddy and happy. it must just be me. they told me you will have other children and now you can go to college. i said i can go to college with my son, i will strap him to my back if i have to. well, that remark was just not acceptable to them. my child was not alone already!!! where do you get this idea from!!!!!!! these children are NOT relinquished already!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my sons parents had a whole lot of bearing on my decision. he went right to their home from the hospital.
    i do believe my sons aparents were misinformed. they should have been told that they were fostering a child whose MOTHER was considering placement. they should NOT have been allowed to call him another name. if you want to truly parent someone elses child, you will do so by the name they were given at birth. there should not be name changes. think about the adoptees angelie is adopting. they have been called another name for years and years. then when she wants to add to her collection, she changes their names. that is not accepting of who they are. it is wrong.
    look at max. how happy and sad at the same time, that he goes by both.
    adoption is not about raising a child AS IF THEY WERE BORN TO YOU. it is about raising a child who was born into a whole different family.
    what should have happened? someone in my family should have stood up and offered to help. and the angency my dad forced me to go to, should have known, and i believe they did, that adoption for me was NOT in my best interests. nor truly could they say that honestly it was best for my son!!!!!!!!!!!
    so to sort out the anons…i will be mysonsfirstmom

  39. mysonsfirstmother | March 19, 2007 at 3:31 pm |

    dear 1117 anon, please please go away from this blog. i know this is not my blog. and i have no right to say that, but, i am saying it. i am begging you. i come to read clauds blog everyday for comfort. honestly, to be blunt my pain over losing my son is so bad, that some days literally anticapte the end of my life. please go away, your comments leave me in sobbing, soul wrenching tears. i do not want you here. please allow me some peace and comfort here. please, i beg of you. i do not care how dramatic you think i am being, it is how i feel. it is the ONLY aspect of my life i feel any sorrow or regret over. so my life is not filled with drama in any other aspect.
    your biological parents are your core. they are your legacy, your genetics, , your heritage, your DNA. DNA is millions of years along, it is our core. if you think otherwise, please spout it elsewhere. please. that is your opinion, i am on here to share in clauds reunion. and marvel in the genetic connection, and that nature proves stronger than nurture in this case. why come here and bash what we feel. i believe you were so brainwashed from early on, you do not recognize it as such. read joy’s blog,she is adoptee, she gets what we are here for. your words actually read negative and disrespect to this mom. please go elsewhere on the web.

  40. “When adopting families enter the picture in the process – the child is alone already – they have been relinquished already. the parents adopting have no bearing on the decision of the birth mother – so why s here so many negative comments to a mothers? trying to understand”.

    I can answer that from my personal experience. Many (most?) of the time, the potential adoptive parents are in the picture before the child is born. We were “chosen” by our daughters natural mother from our adoption profile through an agency when the natural mother was only 3 months pregnant. We grew to be very close to her during the next 6 months of her pregnancy. We were at the hospital (at her request) and in the room when she was in labor. We were outside the OR when she had her c-section. We were there every day for the 4 days she spent in the hospital. You say the adopting parents have “no bearing on the decision of the birth mother”? In hind sight I can see that our presence had a very REAL bearing on her decision. Although we didn’t realize it at the time, how could our presence NOT have inadvertently influenced her? After knowing us for 6 months prior to the birth and living through the emotional roller coaster after the baby was born, I can’t imagine now that she didn’t feel somewhat indebted to us. That, however, is the topic of a whole other discussion.


  41. “mysonsfirst..”
    My intentions were not to cause you further pain – I can’t imagine what you are feeling as I have not been in your shoes -my perspective is my own – and obviously not what you want or need to hear.
    I do not want to add to your anger and sadness – I will refrain from further posts at your request and regret that my words meant for discussion caused you pain.

  42. Wilma, why in one post did you say that

    ” I also am an adoptee – I also have adopted children – I have no desire to know a thing about my birth mother – not because I am angry – but because I have a Mother and feel no need to change the past. BUT – should my children decide they want to k now – I would support them 100%.

    And then in the next you said –

    “I am not angry – not at all – I have met the woman who gave birth to me -and she is lovely and kind and unselfish and compassionate and understanding…she is wonderful. BUT, I did not feel an instant connection with her and do not years later – … it was nice to meet her – but it did not change my life in monumental ways.

    How can you say that you do not have a desire to know about your birh mother, implying you don’t know her, but then say that you have met her? Sounds very inconsistent. I think you had better work on the story a bit more.

  43. I met her when I was 16- once- – it has been over 20 years since then – and I have never heard from or contacted her – my point was that I have never felt a huge connection nor do I have a gap without her in my life.

  44. Wilma?? I think it is wilma…all the naswers to all your questions are here on this blog:
    “A post referred to adotion as “a stupid plan” – what would all of you have rather happened to the children you gave birth to ~ would you rather they rot in an orphanage – go from home to home on the foster system?? It was a choice- no matter how yu slice it- you may feel like you were pressured – but bottom line is it was a choice and you made it. That being said – why do all of you feel that adoption was a BAD choice? Do you think it was bad for your children? or for you? is it bad because the manner of which you gave your child to adoption was unethical? or do you feel adoption across the board is wrong? When adopting famiies eneter the picture in the process – the child is alone already – they have been relinquished already. the parents adopting have no bearing on the decision of the birth mother – so why s here so many negative comments to a mothers? trying to understand – ”
    If you really WANT to understand, then just keep reading. There are alot of posts..going back over a year, but at the end, I think you will understand if you choose to.

    And like mysonsfirstMOM, if not for adoption sitting there singing of its own beauty, presenting itsef as a perfect option with no bad sides,( ha) then my son would have been with me…his mother. No orphanages, no foser homes, just a nice home in surburban Massapequa Park on LI, mabe eventually into a nice NYC apartment. Yeah, that was the terrible fate that we were saved from. Oh and maybe a few months of shocked looks? Hmm..maybe a nice paternity test of necessary..but with that test, umm..17% of a Manhatten laywers income as child supprt..and I bet we would have done just fine.
    Yeah, just a real bad, choice, a stupid uninformed, dumb ass choice..anow if you really want to understand, you have the key…just read. Don;t act all confused..just read.

  45. Angelina Jolie does not deserve to be judged, unless of course you are touring and helping orphans all over the world??

  46. I will spend some time going back and reading in an attempt to understand your point of view.

  47. spare me with the angelina worship. spare me please!
    pardon me while i barf.
    she is not above anyone…i do not agree with her tactics. who are you to tell anyone not to!?!?!?
    her spouting that she feels more of a connection and thinks more of her adopted children.
    gag. she can teach her children to make out with their brothers and sister, just like she did.

  48. i chose to sponsor children in my hometown, thanks.

  49. Someone call adoption stupid?

    Oh adoption is soo much more than Stupid.

    Stupid doesn’t even scratch the surface.

    And all those of you that call it beautiful and waste your time insisting that that you are the real mother that adoptees don’t feel anything,

    Have fun on candy mountain.

    bwha ahahahahahahaa

  50. From an adoptive mom, an AMEN and BRAVO from me too! My son has two sets of parents, both of us real. I don’t mind sharing that at all. I’m secure enough in my parenting to share that. Just as a mother can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mother.


  52. thank you claude!

    i wish my child’s adopter would do what’s best for her. raise her with the truth, instead of these pretty little stories and lies.

    your reunion gave me hope that in a few years i’ll see my child again. i’m waiting and i’m always going to be Mom.

  53. dear anon 410pm,
    joy is adopted! her comment is from the adopted child’s view.

  54. Most people who are planning ofr their child’s future out of love would not even consider placing a child into an orphanage over raising their own child. What would happen to most of those children is that they would be kept and never seperated from their mother at birth.

    I don’t think that anyone here has a problem with the adoption of true orphans who were abused, abandoned, uncared about, uncared for…

    But a large portion of the healthy white infant up for purchase in the adoption markets of the US today, actually have loving mothers who would be more than happy to never seperate from they’re infant babes;

    if only adoption weren’t being fed to them as a better option by professionals and respectable characters in the adoption community.

    That is what most of the more vocal bilogical moms who post blogs are coming to terms with. Realizing that not only did adoption have much more serious consequences to themselves; adoption also has serious consequences for kids.

    The same kind of person who is psychologically sturdy enough to withstand seperation from mother at birth; is also probably psychologically sturdy enough to grow in love and happiness in a single parent low income home. If love, consistancy and reliability are combined with a really nurturing and available mom.

    The same arguments that claim “yeah but adopted kids come out fine!!! Plenty of them are happy and never care about it!! And they often have stronger relationships with their parents than some biokids ever have being raised with bioparents!” is as applicable to single-parent, low income households. “Plenty of kids from single parent low income households come out FINE, they go to school and do well and focus on the positives in their life, NOT THE NEGATIVES! And they often have stronger relationships with their moms than many adoptive kids EVER have with their adoptive parents, even though they might have more money!”


  55. LouLou said: They will forever have a “first” mother AND a “mom” (adoptive).

    I guess what you are saying then is my natural mother gets to be a part of my “FOREVER FAMILY” too?
    Just asking.

  56. The question is though, what if seperation at birth does put a child AT RISK of emotional trauma? Is that a risk worth taking? If the child is at risk of being abused or neglected in the home, than it may well be. But if the risk is simply that the mom will be single and not have as much financially as an adoptive couple; than would you want to take that risk with your own child?

    Would you want to find out years later that that WAS a risk you were not informed about before making the decision? What if the child does have some vulnerabilities and seperation at birth brings out some deep emotional difficulties for them? What if your child DOES happen to be a very sensitive being for whome that matters?

    What if the child is predisposed to certain health problems and not recieving breast milk or collustrum seriously effects their immune systems functionality later in life?

    The purpose of adoptio ncounseling is to sooth over all of a woman’s concerns about seperating from her infant. The over all message is that non of these concerns have any basis and that the only thing that will matter is that the child has a loving nurturing adoptive family that will make up for any trauma along the way.

    And in some cases, this is true! The child, whatever they experienced in the womb and at birth, does make a healthy attachment with the adoptive parents and never really comes to a point where they feel that adoption has any relevance to their life.

    But in some cases it’s not. And so often these cases get washed over because they are not as much fun to listen to. And they are not as comforting to women who are considering placing a child for adoption.

    In any case, I don’t think that if adoption counseling had a focus on making a parenting plan, overcomeing stereotypes about single parenting ,and encouraging positive self image and self esteem about mothering a child; that it would result in more children being in orphanages at all.

    And I don’t think that nurturing supportive counseling would in any way encourage abusive moms to feel secure about keeping and abusing children. If a woman’s view of parenting is abusive and cruel, that would be the place for her to learn about what her behavior and beliefs would do to a small child.

    Most women with these kinds of beliefs (that I know in real life)and a self absorbed view of parenting, are not considering the selfless option of adoption for a second. If they do, it’s more often a poorly thought out abandonment than a well researched loving choice.

    (Although there are some women who are mature enough to see that they are caught in some abusive cycles that they aren’t ready to work on, and placing might be a better choice for their child)

  57. Anonymous said…
    “I met her when I was 16- once- – it has been over 20 years since then – and I have never heard from or contacted her – my point was that I have never felt a huge connection nor do I have a gap without her in my life.”

    1:13 PM

    Sounds like you are holding onto some pain that your not ready to deal with.IMHO Alot of it. And ts nice that you are ok without her, but what abut th other side, her side… Now it cold be wrong of me to say, but maybe she is so fucked from it that she still is very lost.

    If it was my situation, I would contact her, to well, how can i put this in simple her to heal.

    As I sit and read my wifes blog, I ALWAYS wonder what kind of people cn speak so harshly about real life drama that Claud is going thru.

    And what I think to myself, while reading, is that I hope everyone of you annoys will someday be ready to help out those who have either made the choices Claud has, as wel as help themelves heal, if they are apart if that situation..

    And for those who are simply here to lay blame or just to interject your hate for which ever side your on,I will hope, not pray, HOPE, tat nothing like this wil ever cross your path of life. Hope that you never have to go tru what we. as a famiy have had to endore, for us, over the last 6 years, and for Claud 19 yers of living with what she was told to be the best thing.

    So I raise my glass, and toast those here to bad mouth my wife.

    Heres to YOU (all annoyns)to your well paved roads of life, may your tires stay on the beaten path and never have to o through what these women have had to endore.


  58. Oh Claud, I think I have a crush on your husband now. =)

    Rye, bless your heart.

  59. It is sad that some think that all adoptions are bad, stupid, the devils work or that I am not my daughter’s “real mother” (whatever that term is supposed to mean as I just her mother. My daughter was given up at birth due to the fact her mother had gotten pregnant by another man who was not the father of her other children. He disappeared as soon as he found out and she did not want to raise her. She left her at the hospital, signed a power of attorney, met with a social worker a month later so a report could be written and that is it. She does not want to be contacted and in fact it wold be almost impossible to track her down. I do not judge her for her decision. My daughter has two mothers, and I am one of them. However she has only two parents, her father and I.
    I do not ever want her to think adoption is stupid or the devils work in her case. I am her mother just as the woman who gave birth to her is her mother. However she has only two parents, my husband and myself. Being a mother and being a parent are completely different.
    A parent is the one who actually parents the child on a day to day basis from the time the child is your responsiblity until the day they die. Parenthood is defined by the American Heritage Dictionary as “the rearing of a child or children, esp. the care,love and guidance given by parents”.
    Parents are the people who love the child unconditionally (not to say the other mother does not as well), teaches the child morals, values, manners, watches Dora and Star Wars when they would much rather be watching CNN, reads Junie B over and over when they would rather be reading Newsweek, sits on the porch for hours watching her children play to make sure they are safe, sits at a baseball filed or dance studio for hours on end to make sure that when that child looks up, searching the crowd for that familiar face and the voice saying “You can do it” they are not disappointed, they are the one who cleans up vomit for a week straight and holds the child night after night during fevers until they are so tired all they want to do is cry, they discipline because they know it is right even though it can break your heart, they cry silent tears when they watch their boy come off the filed after striking out with his fake smile trying to be brave but the lower lip quivering, they make the same funy face a million times because there is nothing like the sound of laughter that comes from thier daughter each tme they do it, they lay awake nights trying to figure out how they will pay for college and give up their manicure or golf game to buy soccer shoes and ballet slippers. They do this not because they are a martyr, have an expectation of these acts being returned, not because it ever crosses their minds that their children owe them something for this but because this is what a parent does and it should be the expectation of every child to have someone raising them that will do this for them becasue they love them unconditionally.
    My daughter is not my DNA but I am her mother and she is my daughter. She also has another mother out there. However she is not the parent, that job lies with me every minute of every day for the rest of my life.
    My daughter can come to her own conclusions as to her image of adoption. I am sure, as me she will recgonize the need for reform, but hope she will also see it as something that many times is positive and brings families together. While she is growing up though, I will not make her feel adoptin is stupid or the devils work or that I am not a “real” mother to her. She deserves to know she is loved completely an unconditionally by me just as my other children are and that she is a bright spot in each of our lives every day as I hope we are to her. She will be told every day as all my children are, that she is beautiful. smart, creative and loved. I am her parent, I owe that to her. She owes me nothing but gives me everything.
    She is not of my DNA but is my daughter. She has two mothers and two parents, my husband and myself.

  60. Hey, Claud….I am sooooo happy for you and your son. The picture is great.

    And I was one “those adoptees” who encouraged you to make contact with your son. I would encourage every mother and father to reach out and find their children. I wish more than anything my a-parents had supported a reunion with me and my mother & siblings from an early age. My mother died eight months after reunion….so I lost her for 32 years then forever. Mother and child should never be separated, therefore, there is no age-appropriate time to reunite.

    All the best to you both on your new journey and with all the new players in both of your lives.

  61. Yeah, he’s a keeper all right.
    He got a big kiss for that one!

  62. Parenting begins at conception.Children are nurtured in the womb.They literally live off of their mother.Don’t try to deny it.
    The word parent comes from the Latin word parere:”to give birth to’. Stop trying to change the language.It is the same root word that parturition(giving birth) derives from, as well as “‘post-partum”.

  63. Hey Claud . . . that Rye.
    He’s a keeper.

  64. Umm what a great guy that Hubby is of yours,, give him an extra hug today from this adoptee, K..

    great post,

    feel better,, love ani

  65. 6:38 Anon
    GREAT POST! You describe a parent, a true parent and Mother, an unconditional love that is as strong as could be… I applaud you. Adoption is wonderful. Your daughter is exactly where she belongs.

  66. Claud-
    I am still so very happy for you in your reunion with your precious Max.
    I have been in reunion for about three months now and it has been all that I expected. At first it was giddy and exhilarating. So much of who I am was validated for the first time the day I met my first mom.
    All the same, reunion has not been easy for me. There have been issues that have surfaced but we are dealing with them.
    I’d like to think that my relationship with my first mom is not based solely in the past as some have written here. I hope that we will continue to get to know each other and build a relationship in the future. I want these people in my life hopefully forever.
    I am not betraying anybody in my reunion. My a-family supports me fully. They know this is something I have wanted my whole life.
    They could have been the most absolutely fantastic parents on earth and I still would have wanted to know my first mom. It wasn’t really about them. It was about me.
    I don’t really know what everyone is fighting about here. Semantics I guess.
    I admire you for being so kind even to the people who refuse to afford you the same respect.

  67. LouLouBelle Here –

    Mia asked me “does that mean that my natural mother can be part of my forever family”.

    I don’t have a pat answer for that. I think it’s up to all parties.

    Some seem to think that you have to give up one for another. Then there’s some that think that they can have both families but must keep them totally separate. I don’t agree with either. But that’s just me. I love having both my families in my life and I also love the fact that we can ALL come together and enjoy a meal with great conversation.

    For Claud, I really hope that Max’s parents can one day see that. Especially for Max. There will be a day when he gets married or another big event in his life and he’ll want both sets of families there to enjoy the day.

    I too hope that I can share that with my daughters. But that’s not my decision to make. It’s theirs.

  68. lou lou, I appreciate that you seem thoughtful and kind in your words. I think reunion is a sensitive time for people, which is why everyone was so defensive of Claud, who we all love very dearly and we really want this time to be about her getting to celebrate her moment and not have to spend her time justifying her beiefs and the innermost feelings of her heart about her son to people who don’t even know her.

    You know? It’s not a bad subject for discussion, just insensitive timing. Claud leaves these comments open because she IS willing to have any discussion people want to bring up. I am often suprised at the hurtful people she is willing to engage with. I think it’s a valuable thing to have discussion with people who don’t understand where you are coming from, but it’s also apparent sometimes that some people are really just out to prove something and it’s just hurtful…

    Anyways, blah! Claud I love you darling and this is really so wonderful. I just spent a week with my family in Dallas and it was beautiful and wonderful…this is just the beginning darling!


  69. “Justmykids,” you have Just No Idea about what the TRUTH is behind your adopted daughter’s surrender. Just like the adoptee I know who was told and her records said that she had been abandoned at the hospital. In FACT, the truth is that her mother was NOT allowed to take her from the hospital despite trying every method possible. The adoption agency threatened her with huge legal and medical bills if she did! She had no choice, not at all, and she never “abandoned her baby.” The agency took her baby without so much as a signature and this was only 20-something years ago.

    Have you spoken to this mother? Or sjust to the agency or social wreckers or lawyer who acted as the baby broker for you?

    You also have a crapped-out interpretation of the word “parent”. A mother and father are parents in the same way that a man and woman are humans. Even if i did not get to RAISE my son and substitutes did, I a still a mother and a parent to him. And he will tell you that himself too. And if he had a loving and beautiful relationship with his OTHER parents as well (but he doesn’t), then all the better. But it did not work out that way for him.

    But before coming to any conclusions about how your daughter was surrendered, I strongly recommend finding her natural mother and asking her yourself. Because the Legalized Lies of adoption include keeping the separated parties apart.

    and yes, i began paying for my son’s college education as soon as we reunited. I did my share, as soon as I was allowed to, to help him financially and otherwise because his adoptive family refused to. i dried his tears over their abuse, i helped him seek police protection for the crimes their perpetrated on him, i helped talk him out of suicide, and i will be adopting-him-back as soon as it is the right time. i am his parent just as much as they are.

  70. I continue to be appalled at the level of disrespect in this blog for those who think differently than the majority of Claud supporters. The writer who said she had no desire to contact her birth mother was immediately dismissed as “in pain” and “in denial.” And those who argue semantics about Claud meeting her son, whether or not she’s his “mother”? Pul-leeze! Can’t we all just grow up? Claud, I learn so much from your postings, but I disagree quite a lot with the anti-adopti-nazis who visciously attack anyone with an opinion that deviates from theirs. I also disagree with those pro-adopti-nazis who are not open to others’ experiences and opinions. Everyone has a different reality. I know that’s hard to accept, but try. Just because a writer’s reality doesn’t fit into your reality is no cause for you to attack them and accuse them of being wrong, bad, evil, “in pain”, “in denial” or whatever else you folks can come up with in here. I think I need to just read the posts and stay away from the comments.

  71. we think differently because of our experience with adoption. it is not a pretty little ” choice” there are alot of devestating emotional factors involved. adoption is political and emotional.

    some of us did not choose adoption. and some of us even though we were given a so-called choice, werent informed or told what the truth of relinquishment means. no supports were offered and we were harvested in order to make some lucky couple parents. it isnt something you “get over” or walk away from unscathed.

    im not an anti-adopt nazi. i am tired of hearing the same myths being posted here over and over again. in fact i believe adoption needs to be reformed in a major way. stop changing identities, stop pursuing pregnant women for their “product”

    if this is about you being the only mother and having so much love to give, why not adopt a single mom?

    again,when given real resources, time and space, most women would not choose adoption. having no choice at all doesnt make it a choice.

    my daughter WILL come looking for me. 18 years with her adopter doesnt change the fact that im her mother. im not “grateful” to her adopters, because they are depriving my child of the basic human right to know who she is.

    and yes, trolling for babies, falsely advertising to mothers about the effects and denying adoptees their baisc human right IS evil. anytime someone NEEDS to be a mother to the point of depriving a child of its REAL mother is rather well, pro adoption nazi. (hey your words not mine). adopters always play the best interests of the child card, and we are telling you that unless the parent is abusive or unfit, no child should be put thru a forced separation in order to make someone else a “parent”.you dont get the title parent because of ownership. and adoption is really taking ownership of someone elses child. the comments posted are full of myths and half truths. there are some things, no matter how unpleasant, that are true.

    and i seriously wonder that those who were adopted then go on to adopt, have some serious unresolved issues.

    take the time to understand the experiences of first families. we dont disappear or go away, in fact most of us are waiting to be reunited. sorry that you havent looked at this from our angle. if you walked even an inch in our shoes, you would never even consider adoption. you would consider helping those in need instead of your own need.

  72. amen erika!!

  73. Dear Claud – I heard you on the Adoption Show and I love reading your blog. I also loved seeing the pictures of your son, they are absolutely incredible, no doubt he is like you, two peas in a pod. Congratulations on your reunion and your blog. I hope that it helps other adoptees and those searching.

    No doubt both of you will need time to process all of this, the whole thing is confusing and difficult. As he is like you, that will help him greatly with any identity issues that he has. Most of us feel lost growing up, and not connected to anyone. Reunions can really help.

    Best wishes to you and Max, may you have lots of love and happiness in your futures.

    Anne Patterson

  74. Being an adoptive Mom, I feel like I’m walking a tightrope on this side of the triad. I share many of the same thoughts on the subject of adoption as the natural parents posting here. I don’t like being assumed to be evil because I am an adoptive mother, or that my daughter was bought through a baby broker, etc., any more than the natural parents enjoy debating if they are *real* parents.

    I am NOT in denial about how painful adoption is for the natural mother or natural family. And I HAVE done my research on adoption and adoption issues. I share the same passion that most of you do for reform, open records, and making open adoption contracts legally enforceable. Many of us adoptive parents *do* get it! We ARE enlightened. We ARE truly passionate for adoption and adoption issues, just as other sides of the triad are.


  75. And thank god you do all get it!!!

    That we agree on so much actually, besides all the constraints of launguage, and something to be celbrated.
    And it gives me great hope.

  76. I can’t tell these anonymi apart. Or how many anonymi are posting. Can you guys please click that other box down there and pick a name for yourself. See – I did it. You don’t have to put a web page in, just choose a name so it’s easier to tell who is who.


  77. I think what bothers me just as much as the comment is that someone felt the need to come on this blog and MAKE the comment in the first place.

    That is some serious, insensitive self-soothing.

  78. Not Biodad – but his wife Lia:

    I think what makes me sadder than anything is the fact that all we ultimately got from our reunion was NEGATIVE SHIT:

    People telling us we couldn’t have a relationship with these amazing people (my husband’s donor conceived children), because other people were the ‘real’ parents and he (my husband) had relinquished all rights to parentage and any opportunity to offer these then two very needy children a ‘fatherly’ relationship because he had ‘wanked’ them into a sterile plastic cup.

    No wonder some adoptees and relinquishing parents resort to ‘genetic sexual attraction’ in their attempt to remain bonded… and of course that will happen when the natural course of child/parent love is impeded.

    Is this some sort of ‘punishment’ society has created for the ‘relinquishing’ parent which they MUST accept – taking their children with them into a lifetime of longing and pain?

    People just chip away at all the love you first find yourself with until you just end up feeling guilty, like a child snatcher, unsure of yourself, your role, your status.

    A stereotype: the person who has given away all their rights to parenthood who should now simply slink away.

    I HATE that. I would LOVE to turn that round and work really, really hard to allow EVERYONE to just LOVE EACH OTHER. That would be really worth striving for – Love is the ONLY Law.


  79. Hi, I just found your blog, did a search for Ust-Kamenogork (by some chance there is typo and the word Ust appears on your site). Ust in Kazakhstan is where I’m going to adopt a three year old boy who was left on a city bus over a year ago, taken to the orphanage, and no one has come looking for him. I have three bio children, 3, 8, 12. My guess is that your anti-adoption outlook applies only to young girls coerced into giving up their babies rather than having an abortion? How do you feel about cases such as mine–where the bio mom does not have any interest in the child, or is abusive, or is too poor, or has HIV? When I was 15 my best friend got pregnant and gave her baby up for adoption. She doesn’t regret doing so, and hasn’t had any children since. We are now almost 40 now. I understand that giving your baby away was not the right thing for you…but it might be for someone else. I really wish you peace. You must still be in a lot of pain. Pain from the past is a beast. It can really rob you of the present and the future. I hope for you that you are able to resolve this for yourself and your children. I recently resolved what was for me a HUGE issue, and I feel like “my heart grew three sizes.” Ok, I’ve been watching the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. When my 3 year old sees it snowing in April, she thinks its Christmas. My best to you. Stephanie

  80. The mother is still the mother, legally, naturally, morally. Adoption only changes custody. I get kinda tired of hearing “your mother is the one who raised you, changed you, wiped your bum etc etc.” So did my foster carer, so did childminders – are they all my mother, then? Any way you want to slice or dice it, you can’t make my mother not my mother! I have two mothers. That’s cool.

    ADULT Adoptee

  81. ’t have offspring. Everyone knows that child rearing is a legal obligation and consequence of having offspring and being a parent. Acting like a parent does not actually make a person a parent but everyone is too afraid to say that publicly. Acting married does not make you married if your not. Acting divorced does not divorce you if your married. Acting black does not make you black even if you manage to con enough people into making you president of the NAACP of Washington state (remember that story?). Adoption is a legal falsehood that forces a false identity on the adopted person and interferes not only with their own legal rights and benefits of kinship within their family, but interferes with the rights and benefits of legal kinship for every person they are related to as well. The ability to get our own vital health records and those of our relatives, step relatives and in laws is stymied by the renaming of adopted people and by the revision of their birth records to name the people who adopt as their parents. It may seem fair on the surface that those who do the work of raising the kid deserve the title of parent but the title always precedes the duty not the other way around. That kind of thinking turns human beings into objects that, if desired, can be given as gifts, bartered, traded, purchased for money, or as is the favorite with the adoption model EARNED through the sweat equity of boo boo kissing and child raising. It does not work that way in real life because their parents continue to fall into that broad category of being parents according to the dictionary and every medical text book because they are males and females with offspring. They still meet the universally agreed upon text book definitions of being mothers and fathers and frankly, the adopting parties don’t meet that definition and its a farce to say they do. People don’t have 4 parents, that’s just something people say because it seems fair to the people doing that heavy lifting and hard work. People should not have to give up their identities or their legal rights in order to be fed and clothed until they are 18. What’s worse is that the debt adopted people and their families are made to pay with their rights and identities actually outlasts the years when care giving is being provided. They are actually paying on that debt for the care they receive the first 18 years of their life for the rest of their lives under the current legal model of adoption. It really needs to stop. The guardianship and foster care models of providing care to minors whose parents can’t or won’t take care of them, does not involve renaming the person cared for and does not sever legal kinship rights for that person or their relatives. The guardianship and foster care models additionally allow for the possibility that the parents might at some point be able to meet the needs of their children either by raising them themselves or by providing assistance physically and financially to their guardians or foster parents. We should focus efforts on fixing problems with the foster care system so that we can stop reducing the rights of people and their families when parents can’t or won’t take care of their kids. This whole multiple sets of parents thing is just a farce to reduce the amount of money states pay for the care of kids whose parents are not raising them; states know that private citizens will be willing to assume the entire cost of raising state wards, if, they get to be called parents, vs guardians or foster parents. These people are literally on the auction block because their parents needed help meeting their basic needs. It is a massive human rights violation. We should call people with offspring parents always because that’s what they are and everyone knows it. It is not giving birth that made the author a mother – forget about your body and being pregnant, there is a huge black market adoption industry thriving because of egg and embryo donation where women can pretend to be the mothers of the children they give birth to. The rights of those people they give birth to is undermined by those lies too. It’s just bigger than saying they have 4 parents, if that’s so true why won’t they write it down on official identifying documents and let people live that ‘truth’ being told to them. Being told the truth but still having to live the lie to have basic needs met is not equitable or just treatment for fellow citizens. We need to change the law.

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